walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
