season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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