oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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