i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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