There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
