bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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