I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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