I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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