I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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