plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
