dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
