is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
