he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
