Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I wish there were birth control emojis
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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