just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
