Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
They took my balls.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
