Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
