Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
