I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
