i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
