I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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