I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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