I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
