mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Randomize
