walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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