I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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