'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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