True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
