My girlfriend figured out who you are.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
