so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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