mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
