Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Is it because I queefed?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
