Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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