We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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