well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Someone came in the potted fern
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Shame is for Republicans.
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