i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
