Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
