I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
