Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
