so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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