I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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