Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He? As in you personified your dick?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
