I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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