i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
