I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
