Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
