there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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