just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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