summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
