i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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