remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
